Where should I begin? Definitely not at the beginning, since I don't really remember that far back. Really I think of my life in terms of pre and post loss. And if you are here because you're interested in my journey then that's what you want to know about anyways.
My Round One
Once upon a time I was extreme about everything. Life needed to be perfect. Somewhere in the midst of my undergrad I let perfection go a little. But not enough. I strived for a perfect home life, staying home with my children was a priority and putting on the facade of a happy marriage. I was extreme about my commitment to exercise and overly restrictive with my food consumption.
As I transitioned back to the work world I struggled with a new identity and balancing home and work life. I struggled because I wasn't maintaining the level of perfection I had myself convinced I needed. My marriage faltered. And in 2014 after 3 months of separation, ended in suicide.
The first years post loss are a bit of a blur. Most of the days spent drinking on my kitchen floor. I was functional and managed daily activities, but self care was not remotely on my radar screen. Just weeks after the funeral my most trusted friend walked out of my life and there began my secondary losses, which I now know are all too common among the grieving.
I spent 2.5 years in a fog of grief. I honestly believed I could pull myself out of it. And I honestly believed there was no one else on the planet that was going through my kind of pain.
As I transitioned back to the work world I struggled with a new identity and balancing home and work life. I struggled because I wasn't maintaining the level of perfection I had myself convinced I needed. My marriage faltered. And in 2014 after 3 months of separation, ended in suicide.
The first years post loss are a bit of a blur. Most of the days spent drinking on my kitchen floor. I was functional and managed daily activities, but self care was not remotely on my radar screen. Just weeks after the funeral my most trusted friend walked out of my life and there began my secondary losses, which I now know are all too common among the grieving.
I spent 2.5 years in a fog of grief. I honestly believed I could pull myself out of it. And I honestly believed there was no one else on the planet that was going through my kind of pain.
My Round Two
Somewhere around October of 2016 I realized I needed help to get well again. I found an amazing support group, the majority other widows. Incredibly I found other women who knew my pain, some of their stories with such similarities that finally I did not feel alone. I found comfort in fellow suicide widows and women widowed by drug overdose - both caused by untreated mental illness, so our pain was remarkably similar. In our mutual pain and healing there was comfort.
And so began My Round Two. I prefer "round" to "chapter" because to me the healing post grief is a battle. A battle you have to chose to fight to win every single day. With each small decision you make.
I returned to fitness, slowly and with ongoing support at home and from my virtual badass tribe. I had a fourth tiny human that needed a healthy Mama. I also began the process of redefining my work life. I aim to only spend time on tasks that bring me joy both in and outside of work. I significantly scaled back the amount of time I was spending in the overly toxic academic world, left a very toxic second marriage, and began my career in the health and wellness field. Now as a certified Personal Trainer, Yoga Instructor and Healthy Eating Coach I am able to make a living in a job I love and am passionate about. And in 2019 I took the next step and became an entrepreneur, owner of my own facility at 787 Lorne Street in Sudbury - Round Two Fitness.
My Round Two is still a work in progress, but now includes a new man, Johnny, who supports me in ways I never dreamed a relationship could. It's not a destination, but an ongoing journey of learning, healing and transformation. It's perfectly imperfect. I hope you find some comfort here as well.
And so began My Round Two. I prefer "round" to "chapter" because to me the healing post grief is a battle. A battle you have to chose to fight to win every single day. With each small decision you make.
I returned to fitness, slowly and with ongoing support at home and from my virtual badass tribe. I had a fourth tiny human that needed a healthy Mama. I also began the process of redefining my work life. I aim to only spend time on tasks that bring me joy both in and outside of work. I significantly scaled back the amount of time I was spending in the overly toxic academic world, left a very toxic second marriage, and began my career in the health and wellness field. Now as a certified Personal Trainer, Yoga Instructor and Healthy Eating Coach I am able to make a living in a job I love and am passionate about. And in 2019 I took the next step and became an entrepreneur, owner of my own facility at 787 Lorne Street in Sudbury - Round Two Fitness.
My Round Two is still a work in progress, but now includes a new man, Johnny, who supports me in ways I never dreamed a relationship could. It's not a destination, but an ongoing journey of learning, healing and transformation. It's perfectly imperfect. I hope you find some comfort here as well.
